Knowing whether you are a Dominant or a submissive in the bedroom is a concept that is very unclear for many; yet very clear to some. Is there a definitive quiz or test (like on Facebook) that can tell you that, yes, you are a submissive? Absolutely not. Knowing that you are a submissive is literally an internal calling. Something that you feel, know, live or believe. When you have an experience that is particularly sexually submissive you just know it and crave more of it. The easiest way to tell if you are a submissive is also the hardest thing to do: listen to your inner voice and recognize where your true desires lie.
How Do I Know If I Am Dominant?
So, you may ask, what kinds of things do I need to look for or recognize in myself that may help me to arrive at this enlightenment regarding my sexual desires? Are there characteristics that are similar in all submissives? Can you “learn” to be a submissive? How do you know that a submissive act is a submissive act? The answers to these questions may help you derive your true calling, if you listen carefully.
PERSONAL CHARACTERISTICS OF SUBMISSIVES: The idea that a submissive is a meek or weak person who enjoys being “abused” is a complete falsehood. [s]ubmissives are, by nature, very nurturing people. They get great personal pleasure by making others happy, often before themselves. They are not often pushovers; and in fact they can be quite feisty when their niceties are abused. However, when they care for someone – a friend, family member or lover – they will go out of their way to pamper and please them. You may observe that for your boyfriend / girlfriend’s birthday you go over and beyond to give them joy. You really think about what they WANT or DESIRE and tend to try and give it to them. Also, there will usually be a sexual element in the gift giving (when talking about lovers) in that you may instinctively see yourself and sex as a “gift” to be given. All submissives know one thing: their submission is a gift.
[s]ubmissives are people pleasers pure and simple – and more so they are lover pleasers. They tend to strive to learn sexual skills that are above par (such as blow job giving) and they truly strive to be the best lovers they can be. However, outside of sex they also tend to want to do all things pleasing with their lovers. Wear clothing, jewelry, perfume that he/she would approve of. Make dinner or dessert that tempts his/her palate. From start to finish a submissive wants to please and pleasure. More so than someone who simply is good to their lover – a submissive goes OVER the call to make everything exceptional including and importantly their sexual skill. A submissive never wants to be “traded in” for a better cook, friend, masseuse or lover.
MENTAL PREPAREDNESS: [s]ubmissives are very “mental” people. I do not mean mentally ill; but more so mentally prepared. They tend to really understand and accept their sexual needs and desires as well as the needs and desires of their lovers. They pay attention to the details of their lovers’ lives. They know their favorite everything – from food, to dessert to wine or beer to sexual position. [s]ubmissives are the essence of the good boy scout or girl scout – never be unprepared. They tend to be active listeners, overly sympathetic, give helpful advice and want to have their lover in a relaxed and happy state. This constant desire for love and harmony causes a submissive to be thinking, continuously, about everything. Almost over-analyzing things to the point of inconvenience. A submissive’s heart literally aches to please – and they need to please with the utmost proficiency. The glory of being a submissive is that once sexual play begins, they no longer have to think: their Dom/Domme does the thinking for them. This is the flipside of the coin for a submissive in that they spend much time mentally preparing to be the perfect submissive and that requires them to just do as told. Ironic, eh?
Is A Contract Necessary In A Dom/sub Relationship?
RECOGNIZING SEXUAL [s]UBMISSIVE ACTS: For many submissives their “lightbulb” moment happens when they react strongly to a particular sexual act - and they may have missed it the first time. True submissives react very, very strongly when they are placed in a submissive sexual position. This could be as simple as being playfully pinned down during sex or as aggressive as being tied down or told what to do in a very sexually aggressive manner (a way that most people would find a turn-off, in fact). When a submissive encounters a sex act that is outside the realm of “mutual” – meaning they are not fully in control of some aspect or are made to feel that they are “expected” to do something sexual – they get very, very, VERY sexually aroused. The idea of being a sexual object, and even objectified, is very appealing. The idea of being told to do some sexual act to please their lover is also very arousing. Furthermore, being praised for that performance is the absolute icing on the cake and brings pleasure all its own – while being reprimanded for something or not feeling like the performance was top notch can bring depression.
For many submissives it takes a while to realize what is causing the sexual arousal. Is it simply my partner and how turned on I am by him/her, or is it the ACTS in which we are engaging? It will take some time to realize where you fall on the spectrum, because not all people who like to be pinned down during sex are submissives. It is what you crave, need, desire, think about and truly want from a sexual experience that dictates if you are submissive or not. The double edged sword of a submissive’s character is that they, instinctively, know not to ask for such activity. IF a submissive has to ask to be tied, pinned, spanked or complimented then the punch of the activity is stripped from them. The experience has to happen organically, without provocation from the submissive. This is why for many submissives they will not realize their true potential for sexual gratification via submission until they have a Dom/Domme who understands how the dynamic works. As a result many true submissives spend their sexual lives waiting for the next time their lover decides to be more dominant – and if he/she isn’t like that by nature, the sexual relationship tends to fall flat for the submissive – and they can’t really discern why.
CAN YOU LEARN TO BE A [s]UBMISSIVE?: No. Really, you can’t “learn” a personality trait. You are either a sexual submissive or you aren’t. You can, however, fake it to an extent if you can find sexual gratification in the activity. Imagine it this way: let’s say your lover suggests he tie you to the bed. You agree and he does. You enjoy the activities that you engage in while tied to the bed, it is fun, you are aroused, you enjoy the difference in sexual style and you would agree to do it again. You were taking a submissive “role” during that sexual session. Now, if you are a submissive there is a whole, new level that goes on during that experience. Firstly, you have an immediate and extreme reaction to the suggestion. You think about how that will please your lover, how much he/she wants you, how much pleasure he/she is going to get from you. During the session you notice how intense your sexual needs and desires are, how much more aroused you are to be “used” in this way (and you think of it as being used, whereas the other scenario that thought may never have entered your mind). You want to “perform” well. You want your lover to be extremely satisfied. Yes, you enjoy the activity. Yes, you are sexually aroused. However, you enjoy the act of pleasing and performing MORE than what is done TO YOU during the scene. Furthermore, you crave doing it again and again and again – as long as HE or SHE wants you to do it.
Can you see the difference? A true submissive is not one by choice or action – they are one because, well, they just are. A person can “pretend” to be submissive, and can derive sexual pleasure from a sex act that is submissive, but they do not have that inner desire to be submissive in general, and the other characteristics are often removed.
STRONG-WILLED [s]UBMISSIVES: Even though a submissive is a people-pleaser and enjoys harmony and peace and lust – this does not mean that they are weak or mild-mannered. Oftentimes, a submissive in the bedroom is very high powered and in-control out of the bedroom. They strive for perfection in their careers, they are a bit OCD about their homes and appearances, they are over-achievers and function well in high stress situations. Makes sense doesn’t it? The urge to be perfect travels into their sexual life as well. There are also some submissives who ultimately like to fight against their submission, to the point where being reprimanded can bring them more sexual pleasure. [s]ubmissives of this type are called “Brats” – and as you may imagine it is the term for a submissive who fights against his/her Dominant. This is another whole discussion, but the point is that submissives do not have a “stereotypical” format and can come in a wide range of different personality types – but – they all have in common the need to please, a sense of enjoyment and sexual arousal from being sexually used, and an extreme sexual reaction to submissive acts.
If any of this sounds like you – or you have had a reaction to a sexually aggressive sexual scenario – then you may very well be submissive. If you find yourself unsure the best way to test the theory is to put yourself in a sexually submissive position and see how your body reacts. You can’t fake true sexual arousal! So when it doubt, try it out!