Misconceptions About BDSM


BDSM is not an activity, but it is an acronym for different aspects of a certain genre of sexual play. That is the first misconception surrounding BDSM, that it is something you DO.  Like, “I engage in BDSM.”  While it is possible to participate in all the activities, it is not always necessary.  More than likely if someone eludes to being into BDSM they mean that they have enjoyed the differing aspects of BDSM, and maybe not all at once.   Furthermore, people assume that BDSM is some super kinky, slave and master type play with players wearing black leather and dog collars who beat and abuse each other mercilessly.  This, too, is untrue. BDSM has gotten a bad rap, thanks partially to the media’s portrayal of it, and also to people not understanding what BDSM is and what it clearly is not. 

 

Let’ begin with a definition / explanation of what the letters in BDSM stand for. 

B / D – Bondage and Discipline
D / S – Domination and submission
S – Sadism, the derivation of sexual pleasure from inflicting pain / humiliation on others
M- Masochism,  the derivation of sexual pleasure from having pain inflicted on oneself

 

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As you can clearly see, BDSM is a very complex myriad of sexual activities and identities.  You can engage in some of these activities, and not others, but a majority of the time there is an aspect of all of these components involved. 

 

The first giant misconception is BDSM means I like to either give pain or receive pain during sex, but there will be pain.  Honestly, this is so untrue.  Firstly, what is “painful” is something that is particular to each individual person.  What hurts one person may not even phase another.  Similarly, there is a giant difference between trying to hurt your partner, severely, and hurting them as a part of sex play.  There are Sadists who truly enjoy ONLY the giving of pain without the temperance of pleasure. When sadism and masochism are used as a part of BDSM, this is rarely, if ever, the case.  However, in all honesty, pain can be an aspect of BDSM play, but it is not synonymous with it.

 

Couples Sexy Breasts KissingGoing hand in hand with the idea of BDSM being painful, comes the stereotype that people who engage in BDSM are hard-core Dominants or submissives.  While Domination and submission are a part of BDSM, it is not mandatory to have a Dominant and a submissive in the mix.  This portion of the acronym eludes to the idea that someone is going to be the “in-charge” partner.  So, in that way, one partner controls the play or action.  This differs from a traditional Dominant / submissive relationship where there is a very complex synergy that is always present.  Furthermore, who is the Dominant and who is the submissive may change (switch) unless the couple IS a D/s couple to begin with, and the BDSM play supplements their normal exchange.

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The movie industry’s portrayal of BDSM has caused so many gross misconceptions about the practice, and oftentimes BDSM is presented as the humiliation and punishment of one of the participants in a derogatory or inhumane manner.  Slapping, spanking, beating, bruising, fisting, scratching, cutting or extreme insertion play – all of these activities are presented in films (especially pornographic) in which BDSM is the genre.  This is a HUGE error.  While there can be punishment in the manner of spanking or flogging, the idea that this has to be EXTREME and over-the-top disrespectful is very far from the truth.  Movies which show the submissive partner being bloodied or badly bruised is NOT the norm at all, and goes to demoralize those who practice BDSM.  These films are extremist and appeal to those rare people who enjoy abusive sexual acts, which are borderline criminal at times.

 

Furthermore, the idea that the bondage involved has to be extreme is immensely inaccurate.  Bondage is a highly complex activity that has all kinds of levels in and of itself and BDSM can encompass minimal bondage or more complex bondage, but it is not necessarily something that needs to be top level. Many films illustrate complex bondage with shackles and restraints and multifaceted restraining systems.  This is not necessary.  Bondage as a part of BDSM can be as simple as having your hands restrained behind your back or as advanced as being shackled to the wall.  The idea that those who practice BDSM have dungeons in their basements is erroneous.

 

However, because BDSM does encompass these different aspects that are “off the beaten” path of normal sexual behavior, many people assume that people who are into BDSM like to abuse or be abused.  This is so far from true.  When a couple engages in BDSM play on any level there is a definite need for complete trust as well as intimacy on a differing level than many couples share.  There is not an aspect of abuse that is part of BDSM.  There is, however, an aspect of consensual punishment and masochism.  This means that both partners consent to play with each other in a realm that may involve pain and punishment for the ultimate enjoyment of each person.  This is not a willingness to be abused – nor a desire to abuse – but simply a different way to play sexually. 

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Finally, the last misconception is that BDSM always involves sex.  Truthfully, BDSM is ultimately a sexual activity for most couples, even if sex doesn’t occur during the BDSM play, but, it does NOT have to involve sex.  Once again the media has used BDSM and all things associated with it to present an ultimately kinky sexual pictorial of what could be a very small part of the actual practice.  People who engage in BDSM enjoy all the small aspects of Bondage, Discipline, Domination, submission, Sadism and Masochism – even if only in small amounts, and this does not have to involve sex.  None of the aspects that make up BDSM are sexually based.